| Unplugging..... |
[Jan. 28th, 2008|10:31 pm] |
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I am unplugging from life for a while. If you need to reach me, you know how. Love ya. |
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| Atonement... |
[Jan. 26th, 2008|04:23 am] |
Atonement... As I was laying awake, per the usual insomnia, I decided to watch a movie in hopes of falling asleep...
I came across a movie called Atonement which came out in 2007 and is based on the book Atonement by Ian McEwan.
It has been a long time since a movie has honestly touched me so deeply. I couldn't help but cry at the end. In so many ways I could not only relate to that story, but I could easily change the circumstances to be very much the same in another era with different characters.
I can feel Briony's pain so personally. Being afraid of the truth and carrying such a large burden throughout her entire life.
It is sad that when people speak out and tell the truth only to have it fall upon deaf ears. To stand alone in a solid cloak of dispair and knowing what others will never know. Almost yearning for lost affections of yesterday, to turn around and realize it is still dark.... there is n'er a soul there... and the truth and loneliness are all the only things to coddle a mind wrought in the past. |
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| One year to the next... |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008|07:21 am] |
As the new year starts and everyone begins to reflect, I also find myself doing the same. I think my eyes have been opened a bit wider to the world through new experiences, travel, and having the rare opportunities presented over the course of the year. I have managed to make random ideas reality and have become elated on all levels due to the experiences.
Both up and down, things have changed while others have stayed the same. I plan on maintaining my current course and looking forward to where it may unwind as time goes on. The new year is already opening up so many new and exciting possibilities. I'm looking forward to simple things; starting my retirement, budgeting wisely, and still continuing doing what makes me happy.
Recently, I was told that I oversimplify things though in (my) reality life and the things in it truly are simple. I think it is in fact that people over analyze and worry too much to see how simple life is. Worrying too much about things that ultimately can't be controlled and missing out on what lies right under their noses. I am not preaching to the choir, nor trying to offer advice when I am certainly not the one to offer it. I just find life funny in this way that people tend to make it so complicated. Again, I am a divorced 26 yr old still working through my first bachelor's degree and attempting to make my way in this crazy world... so assuredly, I am not one to sit on the pulpit and prophesize anyone or anything for their decisions, actions, or life plans. I just know for me that making things simple, enjoying as much of the here and now as I can, and continuing to do what makes me happy are the things that drive me on all levels. And I do feel that if people took a few moments to sit back and look at what they have, conquering small territories (or problems) instead of trying to rule the world... that they may be more inclined to enjoy life. However, there are certainly people in the world that thrive off of complication and the unknown... and I am not going to judge the gauntlet.
As I said previously, I am excited to see how everything unfolds in the new year and I am happy to have the continued love and support of my friends and those closest to me as this crazy life of mine continues forth. I truly adore my friends and am equally excited for them as many of them start new chapters of their own lives and continue to grow and get to where they want to be in life. Without these people I would honestly be lost and completely unstable as they have been there for me and supported me through some of the most difficult times. I know I don't take enough time to really let everyone know I appreciate them, but please know that I do. Your actions, guidance, and just being there have helped me insurmountably and I genuinely wish you all the best in this new year and always.
Thank you. |
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| What is "love" to you? |
[Nov. 27th, 2007|03:41 am] |
I don't really feel like writing a blog entry, but I had some thoughts on my mind and unfortunately my regular journals I keep are packed away in the garage... so you all must suffer the randomness of my sleep-deprivated self.
I was sort of wondering what "love" is to other people?
I feel that this word is often taken for granted and used in ways that are not true to the core definition of the word.
By typing in define:love into google this is the first set of responses. Definitions of love on the Web: a strong positive emotion of regard and affection; "his love for his work"; "children need a lot of love" any object of warm affection or devotion; "the theater was her first love"; "he has a passion for cock fighting"; have a great affection or liking for; "I love French food"; "She loves her boss and works hard for him" beloved: a beloved person; used as terms of endearment a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction; "their love left them indifferent to their surroundings"; "she was his first love" get pleasure from; "I love cooking" a score of zero in tennis or squash; "it was 40 love" be enamored or in love with; "She loves her husband deeply" roll in the hay: have sexual intercourse with; "This student sleeps with everyone in her dorm"; "Adam knew Eve"; "Were you ever intimate with this man?" sexual love: sexual activities (often including sexual intercourse) between two people; "his lovemaking disgusted her"; "he hadn't had any love in months"; "he has a very complicated love life"
Love to me is simple happiness, true love is the ultimate elation. Sure, this is vague and odd for anyone else to comprehend, but to me it makes perfect sense. I am happy when I am learning, I am in love. I am spending time with closest friends, true love abounds. Sure I don't constantly tell those close to me that I love them because it is most often not necessary, and in some cases may even seem odd as those are words that almost never come out of my mouth.
I think over the past few years, growing up a bit and revaluing myself and my life has helped me to understand and learn so much. Introspection is something people rarely do anymore, but it is something so necessary on an individual level. I don't think anyone ever takes time to themselves as they need to, they don't "stop and smell the roses". With all this rushing and worrying in the world, people forget about themselves in all the materialistic and societal fueled nonsense that abounds worldwide. It really comes down to being selfish, seriously. If you can't take care of yourself... nobody else will.
You need to find yourself, be confident, happy, and secure before you can really take on the world. Some of us, myself included, are never really ready to take on the world. It can take years of exploration and the continual learning of lessons before we feel we are ready.... but we never are ready. Some take chances, even knowing they may be wrong, but that is part of the life process. This unending cycle of education, gotta love it. But it is from these chances we are given that opportunity to reflect and analyze. We have the chance to scrutinize ourselves and make those changes necessary for ourselves.
Sure, I am not perfect, nobody is. I am a divorced 26 year old, living back at home with my parents until I finish college in a semester or three, working and taking advantage of as many life changing experiences as I can. I am constantly doing for myself and working to enrich both my life and my experience. I strive for attainable goals and hope to jump off the deep end when I do attain my 4 year degree that has taken almost 7 years already. I have financial issues now and then, but I am comfortable and happy. But definitely not perfect.
That is what is great about life, it is what you make it. Being slightly selfish and enjoying the moment or being some crazy necrophiliac.... the choice is up to you. Though I have always found both psychology and sociology to be interesting in terms of life. There is not an exact rhythm or rhyme to life, but the reactions and choices people make astonish me. As I have made some both really bad ones and really good ones myself, even I am surprised how stupid I truly can be at times.
I think overall, I am just sad that people do not do more for themselves. As an individual a person has unlimited potential, they are a blank canvas yearning to have paint splattered or brushed across them. We are so set on these preconceived notions of how life must be that we are always seeking and working towards the unattainable. Some people are happier alone, others are happier with a friend or a close connection, or being married. But people just seem to take themselves for granted in so many ways. Sure, even I am happier having someone to share life with... we all seek companionship, but even that is taken for granted. I often wonder if people would be happier sent on some funky journey to get to know themselves before being let free into the world to mingle, mate, and be merry... who knows. But people are not taught to be individualistic, this is a family oriented society with non-traditional values.
Maybe I don't know what I am talking about because it's almost 4am and I am still awake for whatever reason my mind and body can not come up with at the moment. Though, on the brighter end of the spectrum I do have today off and will be spending most of my day sleeping and being lazy because I like to do that once in a while.
That is all. |
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| Happy Pre-Birthday and IRA? |
[Sep. 14th, 2007|03:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
So I know it's still a couple months away, but over the past year I have been more and more disconcerted with my spending and non-savings habits, giving me no opportunities to save. So... for my birthday present to myself, I am going to open and IRA account and start making paychecks automatically divide themselves into thirds so that x amount goes into the IRC, x amount into savings, and the rest into my checking..... simple as it sounds, it will happen.
I just want to ensure that I am taking care of myself to the best of my ability, all around. It's important to live in the moment, but one always needs to be prepared for things that come up and for life in general. However, locking yourself in a closet with no light for the rest of your life won't do it. So I have determined to start my retirement and future educational fund(s) so that I don't have to worry about the social security and pensions that won't be there when I am 70.
I do not fear living alone or even just being single for the rest of my life, but I do genuinely fear my financial future. As I continue to try to break away for materialism as much as possible, which can be hard being a geeky nerd, I find it very necessary to plan ahead and still live for the moment. Call me a hypocrite, because sometimes I know I am. But I think if people live each moment as though it is there last, while also expecting that last moment.. then anything is possible. With patience and time, things always come together... (in whatever way they are meant to come together).
I am a bad consumer, and I am easily lead by slick advertisement campaigns and flashy gimmicks. I spend beyond my means, and I do live paycheck to paycheck. I may always live pay check to pay check, and may never stop working until I am 90... but if I start saving, even just the 15% of my net income per year and make it happen, I know I will not have to be afraid of where I could wind up financially.
We really are the captains of our own vessels of life, no other soul is responsible. We must do for ourselves and make sure that we are setting ourselves up for success, and these measures are all individualistic. Some people really don't want to succeed, and for them.. some kudos (dunno what type of kudos, though) are in order. But I want to succeed, wether I wind up getting married (again) much farther down the road... or wind up paying as much of my educational debt off in a foreign country for peace corps as I can, I want to know that I don't have to worry about money later in life. I am tired of it being such an issue now, and if it were to continue... I would truely wind up in many places I simply don't want to be.
I can preach a good sermon, but lets see if I can make it happen.
That is all. |
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| MSY.... |
[Jul. 25th, 2007|11:08 pm] |
MSY rocks.... between the over welcoming yacht club and the over welcoming attitude in general, I am just shocked and somehwhat glad to see the varying change in attitude among boat owners and the general public.
I had the chance to sail on "Toy box" this evening and was greatly overwhelmed by the basic generosity of various citizens, as well as the basic need to just get together in general.
I dunno, I suppose I had a certain predisposition as to what life here is like, both during and after the hurricane that ravaged LA two years ago.... mind you, it was two years ago. I am happy to see the varying improvements after the hurricane, I can only hope and imagine that the yacht club helps to continue to improve the marina and the yacht club in general.
If I didn't live in PHX and have things somewhat set the way they are, I would be adverse to life in general and be wanting any real change.....
All I know is that my current goal is to finish my bachelors degree....
Once that is done, life is again up in the air...
However, until then... I am just enjoying what time may be. |
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| I never update this thing anymore... |
[Jun. 10th, 2007|03:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Well... I've been keeping myself busy doing just the few things I wanted to be doing. Traveling, School, and Work.
I've got a vast number of places I want to try to visit before the end of the year. I've been to London a few times to visit friends and went to Italy and met my boyfriends' family in the village they live in near Milan. Venice is everything I expected and more, Italy is such a beautiful country. In the coming months I am planning to traverse to London a few more times, Shannon and Dublin, Athens, Paris, and back to Italy to check out Rome and just hang out. I love the various cultures and people, it is so much more than I expected and I couldn't be happier.
School is going well, I should be above and beyond my Assoc. this summer to xfer it to ASU. I hopefully will be done within the next 16 months as long as I keep sticking to it and finishing my classes as I need to be.
Other than that, all is peachy. going back up to Washington on Monday to see the B Reactor, the nation's first nuclear reactor. It's supposed to be a nifty tour, they only do it twice a year and it's next to impossible to get in to see it.
Okay... i should sleep.
At least it is my Friday, woopie :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|08:01 am] |
Life is good.
Life is getting stable.
I'm doing what I want for now.
I'm happy.
C'est fin. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|10:05 am] |
In about 40 minutes I'll be getting on my plane from SLC to PHX. I really enjoy working for the airline industry. The jobs are not glamorous, but they are not bad either. Some are very physical and other are just a matter of pushing buttons, but they all lead to a common goal. Plus flying all over for free is something to be appreciated, even if it is non-rev. (Which is the only way I can honestly recommend going to Europe, which is the reason I took this job in the first place..).
This Holiday season was absolutely insane. But it kinda comes with the job. I'm glad now that things are slowing down and I can finally get some last minute travel in before coming back to reality. School starts tomorrow, though I won't actually be going until the following week due to Mexico City (and oh what a trip that will be). I also will be working for another company in the near future, or for the same one, that will work around my school schedule. As well, I will be doing what I can for my parents to try to make their lives a little easier. Since my dad's stroke life has become a bit different. I just hope I really am helping more than hindering.. I think so, but I'm sure it sucks sometimes too.
It seems like I may get stuck on the next flight, gotta love stand by. I suppose I will just wait to see if I even get cleared for the flight in the first place. Which is why I booked myself for first class... makes it a lil easier sometimes.
Tomorrow is going to be somewhat insane... between 6am and midnight I have a feeling I will be in a rush, rush, rush sort of mood. But it will be good.. gotta register for school, figure out financial aid, and attempt to pack a few sets of clothes to go to Mexico. Tis fun stuff. But I can sleep on the plane, or so I always tell myself.
I suppose for now I will just wait and see if I get on this flight and go from there.
Tata for now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|10:03 am] |
I feel extremely lucky to have so many opportunities in life right now... I have been waiting to see how things would fall and now that I have a bit more direction I am quite happy with how and where things in my life are at.
I find it funny how we move forward in life and the slightest change and set us back, and though it may not set us back in years... it sometimes feels as though we have reverted in time to a previous state (ie while in college, grade school, growing up, etc). I feel as though I've been able to pull myself through quite a bit to get to where I am now. As well I've gone through a phenominal amount of personal changes. I know I have become a somewhat cold and slightly callous person, but I know I am the better for it. At the ripe ol' age of 25 I can't help but feel like I am 40. This is both a good and bad thing, but over all I am happier for it.
The biggest trial for me in life so far has been marriage. I thought for sure it was something I wanted, and ideally it was. I think the fact that I work on too many things at one time and am selfish sort of helped lead to that decline (as well as other personal issues unrelated). In the past 6 years I had let myself become lazy, selfish, and I'd even go so far as to say disgusting. I came to a point where I was not only unhappy with myself and the life that I had, but also I was blaming my problems on my past. Nothing at that time had to do with my past, yes I do have some slight set backs personally due to my childhood.. but honestly those are nill. I've learned from that, moved on, and have opened new chapters in my life. Marriage is an interesting fiasco, all together. You have to not only think of yourself and of someone but also have to make life work together. You have to grow together and be happy together. Open communication and honesty. And just a general thoughtfulness. I'd say that said marriage contained all of that, I have no complaints or remorse (as the marriage has been over for long while). Though I am sad that one of the many mysterious reasons given for the supposed harsh breakdown was that one of my friends "made me do it". That is a complete farce. I was unhealthy, unhappy, trying to do too much, and saw nothing but a dead end for all involved. And, as I knew then, it was the best decision on all ends. It is easy to love someone, but even easier to let yourself go (on all levels).
Personally, I believe, the only things in life that are important are to be happy and have fun. Simply put. However a person achieves these is really dependent on how they choose to live. That is the great thing about humanity, everyone is different. I am happy with myself, with my life, and in general. This is something I realize I had let myself lose. The basic things in life that I strive for... but I am the wiser now.
I have changed my major back to what I was originally studying so I should have my B.S. pretty soon.. and from there the world is my oyster. I have some grand schemes as far as travel that are dependent upon my schedule, but I will make happen and continue my world travels. And though I am still at square three of life, I'm quite content with where the chips have fallen and I am ready to tackle whatever else may lie ahead for me. I can only hope for the best and "buck up" or something like that. And overall I just rock and know things will work out for me. (Being pretty narcissistic helps.) :)
On to another matter completely unrelated to anything...
I saw an old friend today, more of an acquaintance I'd say, and I was rather sad to see their continuous predicament. I am shocked by how people can choose such paths in life for themselves. Not working just to keep from paying child support... not doing anything with themselves, and also giving up on their children completely to continue being somewhat useless. I know I am by no means perfect.... I have many flaws and am not judging said friend. But I can only hope someone kicks' their ass into gear and makes them realize there is more to life than drugs, booze, and evading the court system. Being declared insane by the gov't is NOT a good thing and you shouldn't cash in on it. But that is how you choose to live, so be it. All I can do is wish you well on your path.
And another matter all together....
I had a fantastic week in Richland. I'm glad to help and experience things as I can. I like helping people with english, I've decided. I never thought I had patience for teaching or learning.. but I do. Though I find the more trips I take lately the number of pictures I've taken has greatly decreased... but I needed the chance to get away, clear my brain a bit, and just relax. I think we all need these breaks from reality.... we need to step aside and just enjoy the moment. It helps us gain some sort of perspective... exactly what perspective, I'm not sure... but I am happy. Its funny how we can learn about ourselves through other people, even watching them. I dunno, I just hate how rushed society is in general. People just need to stop, take a break, and relax more.
And that is about it. I continually have things on my mind and don't really write a lot. But I figure I can write about things collectively when I think about it. Sometimes everything is just a jumble of thoughts, as is the above. But that is how it comes out and that is how ya get it. So enjoy, detest, or admonish. It's up to you. |
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| Ha... riiight. :) |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|04:20 pm] |
 | You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel.
Angel | | 67% | Mermaid | | 50% | Faerie | | 50% | Dragon | | 34% | WereWolf | | 34% | Demon | | 25% | </td>
What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2006|11:04 pm] |
What to write... I suppose there isn't much really going on with/for me at the moment, as usual. I've been using and abusing my benefits at work as I can, though I need to quit it for a bit and actually work lots more to get things caught up. It's been a fun few weeks, between Seattle/Portland/Charlotte/London Victoria/Spokane/Coeur D'Alene, etc. I've been having fun going to and fro. It's good for me to get out of town when I can because I just feel rather "blah" when I am here.
I've applied to a few schools, and am going back east again next week to get my transcripts from VCU so I can personally mail them as I don't want the faculty at VCU to over use their two brain cells trying to figure out how to mail official transcripts to my universities of choice.
As soon as I hear back from those, I should have a clearer persepctive on where I'm going and making that happen. And then I won't worry about it again until I graduate... but thats still a little way down the road from here. Sort of a one day at a time thing.
Nothing else to report. Same ol' same ol'... I will be continuously not around due to work over the next few weeks, and it's been that way for a while.. but I don't mind it. I like working and it keeps me occupied, so I can't complain too much.
That is all. |
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| harumph... |
[Nov. 16th, 2006|11:56 pm] |
So I'll be 25 on Sunday... I'm not really excited nor anticipating this. I suppose it is just another year.
I've written quite little lately in my regular journal, as well as my blogs. When I sit down and start to write it seems like I've written that before or I really have nothing to say. I suppose this mundane routine I've created for myself has allowed me to make that a reality. Work, sleep, work, sleep, work, etc.
I've been putting in lots of extra hours at work, though I've taken my days off this week instead of working to sort of give my body some rest. Since my insurance doesn't really kick in for a few more weeks I figured I need to try to take it easy just a bit. No killing or injuring myself until after Jan 1st.
It's been an odd couple of weeks. I've been spending a lot of time in WA recently, and that time has made me happy. I feel like I'm 16 again, and it's refreshing. As well, I can finally go back to school after a lengthy battle with my previous university. And I've been working on choosing what to work towards. There are a lot of options on my plate right now and I'm hoping that things will continue to come together. For right now I am quite happy and content with things and I hope things will continue to get better.
Each option has it's ups and downs, but all offer a chance to change and improve me personally. I am excited to see where life goes and for the moment I am just continuing to work to make it all happen as best as I can.
Again, I really don't have a lot to say.. but life is certainly odd.
Fin. |
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| The weekend is never long enough.. :) |
[Oct. 15th, 2006|11:17 am] |
Well.. since I wanted to abuse my new benefits at work I decided to hop on a plane and go somewhere. I chose Seattle....
I did the space needle thing, the sci-fi museum/music experience, just walked around and enjoyed the city... but the Pike Place Market was amazing. I can only WISH for a place like that in Phoenix.... there wasn't a walgreens on every corner, in fact I don't recall seeing a single grocery store and only one convenience store by the airport during my short duration there.
It was just so surreal. I absolutely adored it. I think the most interesting part is just the mix of people and all of the small nooks and crannies to see. The odd little shops you find in the corner of some abadoned building or the fantastic little cafe you find in an alley by the piers..... I absolutely enjoyed it.
Plus getting out of town is something I am definently doing more often now that I can just up and go. As I was walking around yesterday I decided I wanted to stay later so I just booked myself on the latest flight, which stopped in Vegas, and enjoyed my remaining hours in Seattle.
I've missed the small trips I could take to escape the random craziness of life, it's almost invigorating to get away and then come back with a clear head. I honestly didn't want to get on the plane and come home, but I can always go back next weekend too. :)
The flight there was pretty well booked and I was bumped to first class. It was interesting, but I just liked the cushier seat. The flights I caught home were excellent because they weren't booked solid and I had the most interesting conversation with someone I will most likely never see again... but it's good to have a little restored faith in humanity, even if just a little.
Was kinda neat to go to Vegas too, I was considering flying out there for a weekend soon too.. well Friday and Sat as I have those off for the time being. But, there are soooo many places to go. So who knows...
Though I put $3 in the slot machine and won $50, so I thought that was pretty groovy.
Alright... that is all, must get myself together for work.
Adios. |
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| Too much time to ones' self... |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|07:05 am] |
Unpacking and attempting to settle in for the millionth time, it feels like, I have had more time to sit and commiserate with....well, myself. The imagery of my decisions has been keeping me up at night and I find myself in still in a bit of a conundrum.
Of the various options in front of me, I am having trouble figuring out the "where" and "why" of each. I really thought I had my heart set on moving out of Arizona, but looking at my situation I am not in a place to just up and go at the moment. As well, I would like to just finish my B.S. and then try to take on the world. On the other hand, I can just get my plane ticket and fly away. I like the spontaneous and try to be, but I am also rather cautious which makes the previous a bit more difficult at times. I am considering just fuckall, getting a car and registering for school... (given I can wage the final war with my previous school and win in getting my information released to ASU).
And then maybe late next year I can happily go about my way to Australia or England with my degree in hand and do a bit more than wait tables or give old people sponge baths. Not that both career choices aren't rather lucrative, but I am smarter, more outgoing, more beautiful, and just flat out better than that. Comparing myself to career choices, I'm such a geek. But I think everyone gets where I am going with that... or not, I do and that is all that really matters.
My mind feels as though I'm on some sort of pscyhopathic see-saw that I can't even fall off of. Though with each motion of the see-saw I sometimes find myself in a different place with completely opposite ideals. I know what I want, now I just need to work toward it and make it happen.
I also decided when things come together a bit more I am going to stir the flame a bit amongst my family because I can. I am tired of the "let it go" attitude everyone has... and the false faces always worn. Wether anything comes it or not, I think it will help me or things will just be as they have been for years, hidden and fake. I am not doing this out of hatred or spite, I just want to do it as an experiment of sorts... have the slightly scientific mind, I am interested in seeing how the controlled specimen changes opposed to the unkown specimen. Baisc science and an eager mind, gotta love it.
That is all. |
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| Hrmmm.... |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|06:00 pm] |
It's been a while since I have just sat down and written about myself, life, goals, hopes, dreams, etc. It seems like everytime I sit down to write I just find myself writing the same things over and over again. Life has become and still is a lull. I am working to get out of this void, slowly but surely.
With the various storms the apartment that I was inhabiting with one of my best friends became a hazard. The roof of the building caved in on all the units except the two end ones, one of which was the townhouse we lived in. The roof over the master bedroom soaked through to the livingroom below and became pretty much inhabitable. So it's been a somewhat interesting turn of events lately.
I moved from the crazy college town to the laid back industrial area of Laveen. I'm excited about this arrangment for many reasons, and am thankful for many others. All in all, I am hoping to pull my plans ahead a bit sooner and hopefully things will fall into place from there.
That is all for now.
Salut. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|09:38 pm] |
I'm in an odd lull right now.. things are neither here nor there. Work is going alright, life is getting a wee bit interesting, and I'm still just in this funky "lull". I'm not sad/depressed, I'm not exubertantly happy... I am just my usual self. I've been in this for well over a month or two now. I think the worst part was the insomnia, it's progressively gotten worse.. but somehow this week has been a bit better. I have managed to get at least a few straight hours of sleep before getting up for work.... it's been a much needed change, so I'm glad about that.
I'm in a bit of a situation I can't do anything about right now.. I can't afford to just take time off work, fly out to there, and figure things out. I want to, badly. I need to know.. I need to put myself at ease... it's driving my slightly nuts. I've felt this way for years, I missed a few opportunities to do anything about it.. and now I almost feel like it's right in front of me.. yet it's so very far away, like some star I want so much to touch yet I am stuck on the ground, unable to reach it. September seems far away... I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens, August is a bit closer.. who knows.
I've met some interesting people lately, it's been nice to get out and make some new friends... I was beginning to wonder if people in the valley were all punks. It's also refreshing to be getting out and doing those few things I enjoy so much... I miss the short road trips, the random spontaneous get togethers, the long conversations that just go on into the wee hours of the morning... and there are lots more, but I don't want to bore anyone :p It's just been a nice change of pace to this funky cycle I've got myself in.
I'm not sure when I should break the news about moving to my family.. I know they won't really think it's gonna happen anyways. I think the worst part of my life has been living with a bunch of fraunds. How a father can molest his child/children and never admit to it is beyond me... to look your teenager in the eyes and say it didn't happen ("How would I (your father), ever do something like that?").... All the stupid crap I had to put up with growing up, all the stupid crap I still have to deal with because my father is a complete asshole. Growing up without the love, support, and trust of my family because they are blind... they are all blind and mute. It sickens me to this day to be around them (minus a couple of close relatives). To know that they will pass on not knowing the truth, not knowing that it's all a lie. I can't handle that.. and these are the thoughts I go through every single day.
I know all of this has helped turn me into the slightly hardened person I am today... but I sometimes wish I never had to go through it. Of all the crazy fucked up people in the world.. why did I have to be brought into my family? I had a conversation with my sister recently regarding our upbringing and how as messed up as it is.. we both turned out alright. I do agree... even with all of the messed up crap in our lives... we are able, for the most part, to take care of ourselves and I think we are both stronger having gone through what we did. It just tears me apart to think that my family doesn't trust me though... to know that my only living grandfather is even still afraid of me, having thoughts in the back of his mind.. even isn't not comfortable with me sleeping over at their home because of one of these family secrets. There is so much hidden animosity in my family that one could re-populate for or give planets in comparison. I am not afiraid of them.. I actually pitty them... I am sorry they never got to be there for me.. never got to experience really knowing me for who I am... they will never get to know. All the years of therapy and counseling have helped me.. but there is still that terrible feeling of regret/sadness in regard to my family. I can only hope that when/if I should ever have a family of my own that they are never put in that position. I don't think it's fair that anyone should ever have to go through this... I can't even begin to imagine what would make someone do things like that to a child.. taking away innocence, it's just not fair.
I cannot cry, I cannot smile, I cannot even tell them that I love them.... as they pass, I can only wish that they had known the truth and be sorry that they never will.
That is all. |
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| Haven't written much lately.. hrmmm... |
[May. 24th, 2006|06:47 am] |
Well.. it's been a while, hasn't it?
There is not really much to say, to be honest. Things are coming together as they are meant to... as vague as that may be (it's true). Who's to really say where things go, how they happen, and when? I'm enjoying the moment and working toward my goals, one day at a time.
My days consist of work, gym, and home. When I have some free time I find a moment of three to enjoy whatever wacky things I can.. been having a lot of fun with friends lately. My friends are the greatest... between my friends from work, the crew, froo, et al.. they've just been amazing and I am so happy to have such a group of people in my life. I think they help keep my sane more than they know :)
So.. all in all, everything is alright. Meeting some new and interesting people and just having fun. That's about it.
So.. hrmm... yep, definently not much to report. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|12:02 pm] |
| Who Should Paint You: Alfred Gockel | 
All American yet funky, you inspire an artist's imagination
And while not everyone will understand your portrait, you will! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2006|08:46 am] |
I'm either a mass insomniac or, when I do sleep.. I am sleeping way too heavily. grrrrr....
Too much stuff going on.. need to get to bed before 3 in the morning. |
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